Suloshini Jahanath

The Pixel Project is proud to present our second annual Survivor Stories Blog Interview Project in honour of Mother’s Day 2015. The project runs throughout the month of May 2015 and features an interview per day with a survivor of any form of violence against women (VAW) including domestic violence, rape, sexual assault, female genital mutilation, forced/child marriage, sex trafficking, breast ironing etc. A total of 31 VAW survivor stories will be featured. This project was created to provide:

• VAW survivors a platform to share their stories and solutions/ideas on how they rebuilt their lives and healed/are healing.
• Girls and women currently experiencing or who have survived VAW ideas, hope, and inspiration to escape the violence and know that there is light at the tunnel and there is help out there.

This project is also part of a programme of initiatives held throughout 2015 in support of the Celebrity Male Role Model Pixel Reveal campaign that is in benefit of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and The Pixel Project. Donate at just US$1 per pixel to reveal the mystery Celebrity Male Role Models and help raise US$1 million for the cause while raising awareness about the important role men and boys play in ending violence against women in their communities worldwide. Donations begin at just US$10 and you can donate via the Pixel Reveal website here or the Pixel Reveal Razoo donation page here.

Our twenty-second 2015 Survivor Stories interview is with Carrie Peterson from USA.

TRIGGER WARNING: The first two Q&As in this interview may be distressing for some Domestic Violence survivors.

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The Survivor Bio:

I come from a long line of independent, strong-willed women who were educated and well-respected both within our family and in their communities. There was no question that I would go to college and have a career, and I gladly took on new challenges and adventures. I was so independent and career-oriented that, when I became a mother, my friends were surprised that I chose to stay home with my kids. 

1. What is your personal experience with gender-based violence?

I was a Russian Studies major in college. I did a study abroad programme in Moscow in 1994. It was during that time when I met a young officer in the National Honor Guard of the Russian Army. Our meeting was like something out of a romance novel; I was completely swept off my feet by this handsome young man. I had an opportunity to stay and work in my field, so I dropped out of school and moved to Russia permanently.

He found us a modest apartment, and this is where the wonderful young man turned into a monster. At first, he would lock me in our apartment and would not allow me to leave, would beat my arms until they turned black and purple, and broke my rib. He would pour water on me, and then lock me on our balcony when the temperature was 30 degrees below zero; he often threatened to burn me with an iron. I lived in constant fear of his jealousy.  One night, he sat on my chest, held my arms down with his knees, strangled me with one hand and held a pillow over my face with the other.  And then he just … stopped. It was then I knew I had to leave him.  We had been together over three years.

2. How did you escape the violent situation/relationship/ritual?

My driving force was the thought of having children with him and them watching him beat me. But I also aged so much during that time and my face looked haggard and old; I hated looking in the mirror. It was difficult to find someone who would help me; not just give words of encouragement but actually help. I was blessed to be working with another American who pushed me to leave and helped me so much.

Over a month, I squirreled away some money and took time off from work to look at apartments. One day, my American friend and his wife helped me pack all of my stuff into big black garbage bags, load them in a taxi, and just leave. My boss was very understanding of the situation and gave me several days off work.  My boyfriend broke into the office and caused a huge scene, but no one told him where I was.

3. How did you heal and rebuild your life after the violent situation/relationship/ritual? What actions did you take?

It was initially difficult to rebuild my life because he did not want to leave me alone. He paid co-workers to give him my address and phone number. He would stalk me and repeatedly call my house. Finally, he showed up with his friend outside my work; his friend worked with the government and was allowed to carry a gun. I think he intended to kill me, but many of my friends from my office came down and protected me. That is when I knew I was not alone, and that my friends were there for me.

From then on, he occasionally called, but mostly left me alone and never again came by my house. My friends saved me that day and helped me so much to heal over the next few months. It was difficult for me to confide in and accept help from other people, but learning to do that made all the difference.

4. What would you suggest to or share with another woman or girl facing the same situation as you did?

Just because you come from a good family, are well-educated and attractive does not mean you are immune to these relationships. One of my biggest obstacles was realising I was in one of “those” relationships; a relationship I arrogantly assumed I could avoid because I was “too smart” for that.  But know that no woman is immune to abusive partners (who may also be smart, handsome, and educated) and do not be ashamed to admit that you are in a relationship that is hurting you.

When you leave: It will not be easy. It will be one of the hardest and loneliest things you will ever do. You will face countless struggles and have to overcome countless obstacles. And it may take a while to heal, but know that you would never have changed them, and you would never have had a better or even different life with them.

5. How do you think we can end violence against women?

Almost every argument my boyfriend ever started was because of his uncontrollable jealousy and his idea that I belonged to him.

The most important step would be reprogramming society to stop thinking of people as property.  Unfortunately, I see this becoming an issue with women thinking they “own” their men, too. No one is an object to possess, we are all people on separate paths and no one has the right to control anyone else.

6. Why do you support The Pixel Project?

It is so important to let victims of abuse know that they are not alone. It is important to share these stories so that the women reading them can say, “That story is so similar to what is happening to me!”  I know there were many times I felt like a complete idiot for staying with him; if organisations like The Pixel Project had been around back then, I may have seen the dangers earlier and would have left the relationship before it reached the point where my abuser nearly killed me.

The Pixel Project is proud to present our second annual Survivor Stories Blog Interview Project in honour of Mother’s Day 2015. The project runs throughout the month of May 2015 and features an interview per day with a survivor of any form of violence against women (VAW) including domestic violence, rape, sexual assault, female genital mutilation, forced/child marriage, sex trafficking, breast ironing etc. A total of 31 VAW survivor stories will be featured. This project was created to provide:

• VAW survivors a platform to share their stories and solutions/ideas on how they rebuilt their lives and healed/are healing.
• Girls and women currently experiencing or who have survived VAW ideas, hope, and inspiration to escape the violence and know that there is light at the tunnel and there is help out there.

This project is also part of a programme of initiatives held throughout 2015 in support of the Celebrity Male Role Model Pixel Reveal campaign that is in benefit of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence and The Pixel Project. Donate at just US$1 per pixel to reveal the mystery Celebrity Male Role Models and help raise US$1 million for the cause while raising awareness about the important role men and boys play in ending violence against women in their communities worldwide. Donations begin at just US$10 and you can donate via the Pixel Reveal website here or the Pixel Reveal Razoo donation page here.

Our twenty-first 2015 Survivor Stories interview is with Theresa Smith  from USA.

TRIGGER WARNING: The first two Q&As in this interview may be distressing for some Domestic Violence survivors.

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The Survivor Bio:

I became a published author at the age of 31 with my debut book, “Karma, A Book of Short Poems”. After surviving an abusive relationship a few years prior to this, I felt it was imperative for me to be great. Although my poem book has a variety of poems, there is one titled “Devil” in which I speak about the physical abuse I endured. I overcame the fear of another human being, so now I know I can survive anything. I am not an anti-domestic violence advocate yet, however I do speak to women about my experience, and advise them of signs that their significant other may become abusive at some point. I have an 11-year old son so my spare time pretty much goes to him. I try to find different activities that we can do together and both enjoy. I also like to go out with my friends and older sister, because every woman needs a girls’ night every once in a while.

1. What is your personal experience with gender-based violence?

My name is Theresa and I have been domestic violence-free for five years. In 2007, I started dating a guy who was four years younger than me. We got along great and he seemed to be nice. We moved in together about eight months after dating, and that’s when he showed his true self. I found out that not only was he physically abusive, but that he was also a chronic liar and an alcoholic. It started off with verbal abuse, which I blew off because I did not think it was that serious. I learned to never blow that off though. It’s a major red flag.

I was in an abusive relationship for two years. I have been hit, choked, pushed, have had busted lips, a bloody nose, and my collar bone has also been broken from the abusive relationship I was in. And that was just the physical part. He also tore down my self-esteem and made me feel fat, ugly, unwanted, and unworthy.

It took me years to finally build myself back up. This experience made me stronger, so in my eyes, his plan backfired.

2. How did you escape the violent situation/relationship/ritual?

I was able to leave him once I got fed up. Everyone has a breaking point, and once he broke my collar bone my survival instinct kicked in. I stopped fearing him, and starting fearing for my life. I didn’t want to die so I took all that fear and turned it into courage. I finally got the strength to reach out to someone.

From that point I got a restraining order which automatically evicted him from the house we lived in together. I cut off all communication with him and carried that restraining order with me at all times. Most importantly I prayed, A LOT.

3. How did you heal and rebuild your life after the violent situation/relationship/ritual? What actions did you take?

I overcame my situation by praying for healing, forgiveness, and strength. I was able to find something good out of such a horrible situation. It didn’t kill me, it made me stronger, wiser, smarter, and more aware. Once I left him I felt like could accomplish anything. Overcoming my fear for him allowed me to overcome other fears. I ended up publishing my first book in 2013. I wrote poetry so it is a poem book called “Karma: A Book of Short Poems.” One of my favourite poems in the book is the one I wrote about freeing myself from the abusive relationship.

4. What would you suggest to or share with another woman or girl facing the same situation as you did?

For any female who is in an abusive relationship, I would say, SPEAK UP. Unfortunately a lot of people wait on the battered woman to speak up before they act on anything. Also it is very important to push your fear to the side. PRAY. STAY STRONG. SPEAK UP. FIGHT BACK. Call a Domestic Violence hotline. Tell someone you trust because they will reach out for help FOR you if you are too scared.

5. How do you think we can end violence against women?

We can end it, or at least make other people aware – not just women, but everyone. A person in an abusive relationship needs to know that someone has her back. If none of her family or friends speak up, but they KNOW she is being abused, then she will feel alone. If a person feels alone and scared then of course they are going to stay in the relationship because they think there is no way out.

I also think a law needs to be made that if cops are called to the same address numerous times about this issue, even if the woman says the man did not do anything, he should be arrested.

6. Why do you support The Pixel Project?

I support The Pixel Project because I was that woman. The one being abused. The one too scared to speak up. The one too afraid to leave. I felt so alone although I really was not alone. Domestic violence is never ok, so anyway that I can help, I surely will. Every woman should know that it is NOT okay for a man to put his hands on you. Every woman should know that there is help, and they can get out. There is life after an abusive relationship, and it can be as beautiful as you decide to make it.